April morning came with a chill, grey sky.
It was cold, though the early spring air burst through the tilted window to bring freshness to the closed walls and the singing of birds spread loud and clear through the empty streets.
Lying on the exercise mat, I am immediately transported to a beautiful, fragrant, green meadow.
Inhale... exhale... hmm, silence.
Usually, at this time the bird’s song mixes with street noise; cars and shouting, but today, silence.
Mornings have been filled with nothingness for several weeks. People are only emerging for the most necessary shopping or a quick exercise in the afternoon.
The world was at a standstill.
Filled with fear, sadness and ignorance. This is the time when people are showing their true nature. Some in love with their neighbourhood decide to stay at home and look after their loved ones. Others, however, have unloaded their frustration at the people they meet on the streets or the front line staff that are risking their lives to serve them.
My legs seemed as swollen and white, blue, and red as ever. However, I didn't feel any pain, pulling or tingling
Strange, I thought
The only real discomfort I felt came from my soul.
Recently, spoken words stick in me like bullets, hurting every part of my soul. I feel every word dripping in sarcasm, every ugly glance with double strength.
I was sad.
In times like these of global crisis, when we should support each other, I was placed on the front-customer line vs. nutritional advisor/salesman, without any defensive shield. We were not prepared for the new rules, nor did we did not undergo any specialised training or simulations for situations like these, and above all, we were not ready for insolence and mass ignorance, neither we nor our clients.
Isn't it usually frustration and anger that come as a result of anxiety, ignorance or internal pain? Is all this harshness to other people a call?
"I am here! I feel bad! I'm afraid! It tears me inside! You're smiling? Don't, I feel terrible so I will send you all my negativity!"
Of course, some brought joy and understanding. However, in the beginning, this bad side of power obscured the whole picture of the first few days of London's lockdown.
And at some point... during the following projectiles aimed at me, something broke. This love, peace, smile, ubiquitous Zen ... just collapsed with a bang. I started crying. Tears rolled down my cheeks and all my emotions only equalled regret and powerlessness.
I spent the next week at home.
I felt that my soul needed support and dressing for all the wounds inflicted on it, it was time to refresh and prepare for a new fight with fate.
Time at home.
Time with my husband and time with myself.
The time I spent soothing my wounds with balms for the soul in the form of books, oh I can not imagine another form of relaxation. (Here, as always, my beloved C.R. Zafon, Lucy Maud Montgomery, Regina Brett and Agnieszka Maciąg) came to the rescue. These are the lessons after which I fall into a trance for several hours. I will reflect on what was and what is to focus on this particular moment, this peace, this wonderful moment, NOW. On this total detachment from the mundane
I realized that sometimes we need a moment to digest what is bending us so hard and constantly inside. Even if it is an excess of unnecessarily spoken words in our direction. (sometimes it is a naughty remark about the size and appearance of our legs and at other times the frustration of being hurried and nervous about restricting the number of customers in the store due to sudden social distance)
We all need a moment to get out of the situation and stand by
Look at it from a distance and understand why this whole chain of events happened this way.
Maybe this is another lesson that tests our patience and level of our sensitivity.
Or a bell from our subconscious mind that rebels because of accumulated insignificant thoughts circulating in our head?
Or just another catastrophic situation that aims to show us how beautiful life is. Life without anger, judgment, frustration and unnecessary thoughts.
We always feel that everything around us lives on warm summer days, but it is only during rainy, grey moments that we appreciate and miss the rays of the sun.
Life goes by following its rules. The balance between light and darkness, joy and sadness, understanding and anger. Let us not conclude from every moment. Let's pride ourselves and be ready for the next day. Yes, sometimes it won't be easy, but it will pass.
I got up, rolled up my yoga mat and put it in the back where it belongs, and I went to the window.
The sun has managed to get through the milky strips of clouds. I sat on our sofa and stared at the morning landscape of April, filled with love, I took another deep breath.
I was ready to start a new day.
English translation and editing by (my lovely colleague and an amazing person) Rabab Rajwani.